Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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