Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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