Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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