I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
