I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
