I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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