my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
