ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
