Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
