When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
