I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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