as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
