We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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