ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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