ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
