My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
