I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you didnt know i had herpes?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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