the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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