I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
