Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
