So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
