I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
