I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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