I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
