singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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