In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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