I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
