I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
