i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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