My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
