she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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