I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
