either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
His nipple licking is glorious
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