i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
