You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
