u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
