I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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