I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
