All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
