I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
