if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
