Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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