Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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