i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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