I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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