i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
