Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You've changed since you got that strap on
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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