I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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