You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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