Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Just high enough for therapy.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
