Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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