Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
