All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
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