Can i not drive my cunt home
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
